so ima chewing chewy and explorin da net yo.
i miss ma rowy. i wanna go to da show with my cutest sweetest rowy boat ever. my chewys goin weird. i luv ma rowy he's da best.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
so I'm chewing chewy
so ima chewing chewy and explorin da net yo.
i miss ma rowy. i wanna go to da show with my cutest sweetest rowy boat ever. my chewys goin weird. i luv ma rowy he's da best.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
miss my rowy and his rowy hugs
i miss him so much. i only got to see him in bits and pieces this week....so sad. i cried in the myer food court because i miss him so much and he came on the net to chat for a few minutes coz he heard i was crying from my friend. im also scared that i'm gonna lose my friend clo as a friend coz she's paying more attention to her bf josh more thatn me.....hopefully once they've past their first few dates clo will pay more attention to me more.hopefully.
i miss my rowy boat and i miss his cuddles and his kisses and his endless genuine sweet affection.
i have to go now...soz
will write more laters
xxsez
i miss my rowy boat and i miss his cuddles and his kisses and his endless genuine sweet affection.
i have to go now...soz
will write more laters
xxsez
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Just found out strange news
heres the story to go with it.
Daniel Radcliffe (18) is currently dating a sweet girl Laura O’Toole (22). The two have been spending a lot of time together in London, shopping. The couple met while playing opposite roles in Equus earlier this year when they both performed nude sex scenes. Sounds like true lust rather than pure love. Laura, who made her name six years ago in the Irish TV series On Home Ground on RTE, so impressed producers of Equus that she will now play the female lead opposite Lily Allen’s brother Alfie Allen when the play goes on a UK tour next year. I wonder if Daniel can handle Laura doing the same sex scene with Alfie that she did with him?
but apparently thats old news and hes dated...Since then he's dated Alana Dawes and broken up with her. he goes thru relationships faster than I do. prob coz I like being single and Im very picky. I only chose who I think is best for me and Rowan is definintly THE BEST! by far better than anyone Ive ever dated...Oh I miss my Rowy sooo much.
xxSeZ
feeling better today
got asked about this morning but I didnt want to talk about it. yesterday dq was not in the house I did not see her at all. That plus talking to Rowy and Chloe on the phone made my day. dq free day plus talking to my best friends chloe and my boyfriend (my best friend is rowan as well as grace and chloe's my second best friend. talked to dad about getting me a prom dress and he said he wanted to help me.
I miss my Rowy and I wish I could give him a big hug. I think about him all the time and how I miss him and how I wanna give him lots of kisses and cuddles.
I love my Rowy and I hope I get to see him at least a little bit this week.
Missing Rowy and happy she has a little bit of money just to get by better.
xxSeZ
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
eek my formals comming up
help me! I have to get a prom dress soon and whats Rowan gonna wear...guess thats up to him...I hope I have the money in time....maybe I can make my own prom dress
sick and tired
Ive had enough of home life. I'm also sick of not having a job and waiting for a response of if I get a particular job. I woke up this morning stressed out of my brain and miserable but I found a way of dealing with the stress. I have this drama queen character living in my house or at least in the back one. I will call her DQ for short. She wont let me talk to someone about how I'm feeling if no-one else in the house wants to listen to me, she's making suggestions that I'm a snob because she's too gutless to call me one and she points the finger at me for everything.
Someone once said to me that if you point the finger you have three fingers pointing back at you.
I'm not perfect but I get pissed off when people point the finger at me if I have done nothing wrong. I try to make a dinner......not good enough, I try to wash dishes in a fast and efficient way....not good enough. The fact that she's connected to someone in my house gives me a disadvantage because that person takes her side ALL of the TIME! I didnt have breakfast this morning because certain people wouldnt let me get any sleep, so I had to rush to my job network. I'm having coffee with milk in it so it will have to do for now.
I just dont see why I have to live with people who dont appreciate me or what I try to do for them when I'd rather live with my adopted uncle or my boyfriend both of which appreciate me and adore me. I'm sick of getting woe is me lectures from miss drama queen and your bullying me from another person who lives with me. And no I'm not running away from my probs by staying at my adopted uncles place I'm getting some space so I'm not driven crazy by these people and I wish I could stay away forever. because the rest of my family including my adopted uncle and my boyfriend, appreciate me more. They listen to me and they dont call someone a snob just because someone doesnt want to use their dishwashing liquid at that particular time.
So yeah I want to stay away from DQ for as long as possible because she doesnt deserve my company.
ON top of this crap at home I'm getting bad days at jst and It looks like I cant see my boyfriend for 2 weeks.
SO THAT IS WHY I"M SICK AND TIRED!!!!!!!
:'(
SEZ
Someone once said to me that if you point the finger you have three fingers pointing back at you.
I'm not perfect but I get pissed off when people point the finger at me if I have done nothing wrong. I try to make a dinner......not good enough, I try to wash dishes in a fast and efficient way....not good enough. The fact that she's connected to someone in my house gives me a disadvantage because that person takes her side ALL of the TIME! I didnt have breakfast this morning because certain people wouldnt let me get any sleep, so I had to rush to my job network. I'm having coffee with milk in it so it will have to do for now.
I just dont see why I have to live with people who dont appreciate me or what I try to do for them when I'd rather live with my adopted uncle or my boyfriend both of which appreciate me and adore me. I'm sick of getting woe is me lectures from miss drama queen and your bullying me from another person who lives with me. And no I'm not running away from my probs by staying at my adopted uncles place I'm getting some space so I'm not driven crazy by these people and I wish I could stay away forever. because the rest of my family including my adopted uncle and my boyfriend, appreciate me more. They listen to me and they dont call someone a snob just because someone doesnt want to use their dishwashing liquid at that particular time.
So yeah I want to stay away from DQ for as long as possible because she doesnt deserve my company.
ON top of this crap at home I'm getting bad days at jst and It looks like I cant see my boyfriend for 2 weeks.
SO THAT IS WHY I"M SICK AND TIRED!!!!!!!
:'(
SEZ
Monday, July 21, 2008
silly blog
Im waiting for 3:30 to call kfc in rundle mall to see If I got the job....I sooo hope I get the job. I miss my boyfriend Rowan too. His holidays are finished and he works on Saturdays at the myer centre(in rundle mall) kfc now. I liked it better when it was just saturdays. Poor Rowy doesnt get much of a weekend now....working and I dont know if he'll be able to see me or spend time with his other friends. This cold weather is driving me nuts. I have to wear stacks of layers than after a while I get hot....damnit. Anyways I miss my boyfriend and I'm crossing my fingers so I can get that KFC job at the end of Rundle Mall. I am stoked that big brother is over because I hate it with a passion(prob coz Kyle Sandilands is on it now) and I'm pissed that the ugly grandma racist one...I dont care what ppl think I still think she's racist coz she's a fan of pauline hanson and pauline hanson (in my opinion) is scum. Anyways Australian Idol is going to be on soon and I'm going to be on it(the auditions that is) so look out for it. wish me luck in getting that kfc job....please please give me that kfc job.
thanks for your support.
xxsez
thanks for your support.
xxsez
why dont you believe me(song)
i can understand if you dont believe me if i say ive seen a ghosti can accept if you dont believe me if ive seen an alienbut why is true love so hard to believeit happens everywhere to people my age and people of any ageive been through my hurtful stageive been though all of my painbut cant you see your trying to protect me is hurting me morebecause as a friend arnt you supposed to trust me?
why dont you believe me? why dont you believe me when i say he's the one?why dont you believe me? why dont you believe me when i say we'll last forever?why dont you believe me when i say we will grow old together?coz I believed you whenever you said someone is true...and i was there for you when you were blue
i dont feel i can come to you if ever we have a fighti dont feel you will ever believe that i am rightyou never listen to me why should i listen to youits a fact that me and him are truei could tell you lies and youd believe thembut you wouldnt believe my truthsyou're all back to front latelytelling how you arnt jealous but i bet you'd shut your mouth if your first love got back with you
why dont you believe me? why dont you believe me when i say he's the one?why dont you believe me? why dont you believe me when i say we'll last forever?why dont you believe me when i say we will grow old together?coz I believed you whenever you said someone is true...and i was there for you when you were blue
some people will never understand but i wont let anyone tear him and i apartcoz he was true from the startand he hasnt stopped loving me and we will never stopnever stop loving each otherso say what you likebut you know the more you dont believe me the further you will push me away
why dont you believe me? why dont you believe me when i say he's the one?why dont you believe me? why dont you believe me when i say we'll last forever?why dont you believe me when i say we will grow old together?coz I believed you whenever you said someone is true...and i was there for you when you were blue
i dont feel i can come to you if ever we have a fighti dont feel you will ever believe that i am rightyou never listen to me why should i listen to youits a fact that me and him are truei could tell you lies and youd believe thembut you wouldnt believe my truthsyou're all back to front latelytelling how you arnt jealous but i bet you'd shut your mouth if your first love got back with you
why dont you believe me? why dont you believe me when i say he's the one?why dont you believe me? why dont you believe me when i say we'll last forever?why dont you believe me when i say we will grow old together?coz I believed you whenever you said someone is true...and i was there for you when you were blue
some people will never understand but i wont let anyone tear him and i apartcoz he was true from the startand he hasnt stopped loving me and we will never stopnever stop loving each otherso say what you likebut you know the more you dont believe me the further you will push me away
coz im not like you(song)
coz i'm not like you
hey what did you saysorry i cant hear you todayhey what did you cryi'm sorry i have to say goodbye
i dont care what you do in your spare timebut ridiculing someone on tv should be a crimei dont care who you arecoz that stupidity wont get you farand you can say what you want and you can say what you likebut dont get shoked if i tell you to take a hike
chorus do you enjoy making a living out of others miserydo you enjoy telling people they dont have the abilitycoz i can tell you right now that i wouldntcoz you know i'm not like youdo you enjoy being hated by contestantsdo you enjoy making people feel hesitantcoz i can tell you right now that i wouldntcoz i'm not like you
one day you will get your ownand dont say i didnt warn youone day your money wont be able to fill your emptinessone day you'll lose your job and your girl and your reputationbut maybe someday you'll become a better personwhat you said to me didnt bother mecoz i know the truth and i know why i didnt get inbut dont expect me to give you another chancecoz i have my heart set on making it with a bite
chorus do you enjoy making a living out of others miserydo you enjoy telling people they dont have the abilitycoz i can tell you right now that i wouldntcoz you know i'm not like youdo you enjoy being hated by contestantsdo you enjoy making people feel hesitantcoz i can tell you right now that i wouldntcoz i'm not like you
i really dont care anymore i got it off my chestand i know you want me to fess up something personal but i wouldnt i'm just blessedand you can say all that you know against mebut dont be sure i wont fight back
chorus do you enjoy making a living out of others miserydo you enjoy telling people they dont have the abilitycoz i can tell you right now that i wouldntcoz you know i'm not like youdo you enjoy being hated by contestantsdo you enjoy making people feel hesitantcoz i can tell you right now that i wouldntcoz i'm not like you
hey what did you saysorry i cant hear you todayhey what did you cryi'm sorry i have to say goodbye
i dont care what you do in your spare timebut ridiculing someone on tv should be a crimei dont care who you arecoz that stupidity wont get you farand you can say what you want and you can say what you likebut dont get shoked if i tell you to take a hike
chorus do you enjoy making a living out of others miserydo you enjoy telling people they dont have the abilitycoz i can tell you right now that i wouldntcoz you know i'm not like youdo you enjoy being hated by contestantsdo you enjoy making people feel hesitantcoz i can tell you right now that i wouldntcoz i'm not like you
one day you will get your ownand dont say i didnt warn youone day your money wont be able to fill your emptinessone day you'll lose your job and your girl and your reputationbut maybe someday you'll become a better personwhat you said to me didnt bother mecoz i know the truth and i know why i didnt get inbut dont expect me to give you another chancecoz i have my heart set on making it with a bite
chorus do you enjoy making a living out of others miserydo you enjoy telling people they dont have the abilitycoz i can tell you right now that i wouldntcoz you know i'm not like youdo you enjoy being hated by contestantsdo you enjoy making people feel hesitantcoz i can tell you right now that i wouldntcoz i'm not like you
i really dont care anymore i got it off my chestand i know you want me to fess up something personal but i wouldnt i'm just blessedand you can say all that you know against mebut dont be sure i wont fight back
chorus do you enjoy making a living out of others miserydo you enjoy telling people they dont have the abilitycoz i can tell you right now that i wouldntcoz you know i'm not like youdo you enjoy being hated by contestantsdo you enjoy making people feel hesitantcoz i can tell you right now that i wouldntcoz i'm not like you
beautiful mind(song)
/beautiful mind/
Its all an illusion, and maybe I'm crazy, maybe I am strangebut you are only limited by your imaginationimagination and ideas are what create the future
maybe i wasnt so popular at school because they all thought i was strangebut we all know they are out of rangea different state of mind of thinkingcan ease our mind from more things
say what you like i dont carecoz i only believe in whats fairsay what you might i dont fearcoz i have my strength right here
open your mindlost things you may findopen your heartyour heart is the key to a beautiful mind
beautiful mind beautiful mindmaybe you never knew you had a beautiful mind
what kind of person do i want to bewhat beautiful things make me, mewhat things do i despisewhose words do i believe are liesthat makes people see that i am wise
imagination is the language of the depth of our heartmusic is the language of the soulif you know that him and i will never partthen maybe in your heart you have no hole
say what you like i dont carecoz i only believe in whats fairsay what you might i dont fearcoz i have my strength right here
open your mindlost things you may findopen your heartyour heart is the key to a beautiful mind
beautiful mind beautiful mindmaybe you never knew you had a beautiful mind
open your mindopen your soulopen your heartit will fill up the hole
open your mindlost things you may findopen your heartyour heart is the key to a beautiful mind
beautiful mind beautiful mindmaybe you never knew you had a beautiful mind
Its all an illusion, and maybe I'm crazy, maybe I am strangebut you are only limited by your imaginationimagination and ideas are what create the future
maybe i wasnt so popular at school because they all thought i was strangebut we all know they are out of rangea different state of mind of thinkingcan ease our mind from more things
say what you like i dont carecoz i only believe in whats fairsay what you might i dont fearcoz i have my strength right here
open your mindlost things you may findopen your heartyour heart is the key to a beautiful mind
beautiful mind beautiful mindmaybe you never knew you had a beautiful mind
what kind of person do i want to bewhat beautiful things make me, mewhat things do i despisewhose words do i believe are liesthat makes people see that i am wise
imagination is the language of the depth of our heartmusic is the language of the soulif you know that him and i will never partthen maybe in your heart you have no hole
say what you like i dont carecoz i only believe in whats fairsay what you might i dont fearcoz i have my strength right here
open your mindlost things you may findopen your heartyour heart is the key to a beautiful mind
beautiful mind beautiful mindmaybe you never knew you had a beautiful mind
open your mindopen your soulopen your heartit will fill up the hole
open your mindlost things you may findopen your heartyour heart is the key to a beautiful mind
beautiful mind beautiful mindmaybe you never knew you had a beautiful mind
I truely feel sorry for you(song)
hooked
never have i met someone that appreciated me sonever have i met anyone that did not want me to gonever have i met anyone that had me speechlessnever have i met anyone that made me breathless
sometimes i feel in awe of your pressence that i cant move my lipssometimes when i dance i cant stop moving my hipssometimes your the only thing on my mindsometimes i like to tell people you are one of a kind
chorus\the way you make me feel has got me hookedwhen im with you i never feel overlookedthe way way you make me feel has got me hookedand i feel;like ive lost my mind whenever im missing you
never have i met someone that inspired me so muchnever have i met someone that i would always crave your touchnever have i loved anyone that loved me the same backnever have i met anyone like you that nothing you lack
the way we are could not be more perfectthe way we are could not be more sweetthe way we are could not be more beautifulthe way we are has angels crying at my feet
chorus\the way you make me feel has got me hookedwhen im with you i never feel overlookedthe way way you make me feel has got me hookedand i feel;like ive lost my mind whenever im missing you
never have i met someone that appreciated me sonever have i met anyone that did not want me to gonever have i met anyone that had me speechlessnever have i met anyone that made me breathless
sometimes i feel in awe of your pressence that i cant move my lipssometimes when i dance i cant stop moving my hipssometimes your the only thing on my mindsometimes i like to tell people you are one of a kind
chorus\the way you make me feel has got me hookedwhen im with you i never feel overlookedthe way way you make me feel has got me hookedand i feel;like ive lost my mind whenever im missing you
never have i met someone that inspired me so muchnever have i met someone that i would always crave your touchnever have i loved anyone that loved me the same backnever have i met anyone like you that nothing you lack
the way we are could not be more perfectthe way we are could not be more sweetthe way we are could not be more beautifulthe way we are has angels crying at my feet
chorus\the way you make me feel has got me hookedwhen im with you i never feel overlookedthe way way you make me feel has got me hookedand i feel;like ive lost my mind whenever im missing you
hooked(song)
hooked
never have i met someone that appreciated me sonever have i met anyone that did not want me to gonever have i met anyone that had me speechlessnever have i met anyone that made me breathless
sometimes i feel in awe of your pressence that i cant move my lipssometimes when i dance i cant stop moving my hipssometimes your the only thing on my mindsometimes i like to tell people you are one of a kind
chorus\the way you make me feel has got me hookedwhen im with you i never feel overlookedthe way way you make me feel has got me hookedand i feel;like ive lost my mind whenever im missing you
never have i met someone that inspired me so muchnever have i met someone that i would always crave your touchnever have i loved anyone that loved me the same backnever have i met anyone like you that nothing you lack
the way we are could not be more perfectthe way we are could not be more sweetthe way we are could not be more beautifulthe way we are has angels crying at my feet
chorus\the way you make me feel has got me hookedwhen im with you i never feel overlookedthe way way you make me feel has got me hookedand i feel;like ive lost my mind whenever im missing you
never have i met someone that appreciated me sonever have i met anyone that did not want me to gonever have i met anyone that had me speechlessnever have i met anyone that made me breathless
sometimes i feel in awe of your pressence that i cant move my lipssometimes when i dance i cant stop moving my hipssometimes your the only thing on my mindsometimes i like to tell people you are one of a kind
chorus\the way you make me feel has got me hookedwhen im with you i never feel overlookedthe way way you make me feel has got me hookedand i feel;like ive lost my mind whenever im missing you
never have i met someone that inspired me so muchnever have i met someone that i would always crave your touchnever have i loved anyone that loved me the same backnever have i met anyone like you that nothing you lack
the way we are could not be more perfectthe way we are could not be more sweetthe way we are could not be more beautifulthe way we are has angels crying at my feet
chorus\the way you make me feel has got me hookedwhen im with you i never feel overlookedthe way way you make me feel has got me hookedand i feel;like ive lost my mind whenever im missing you
a story I want to publish
Memoirs of a Young Student
Introduction
I always thought of myself as a big kid....half kid half teenager but with more wisdom and maturity. I use to daydream at school that my life was like a movie or a book but quickly stopped because I thought it was ridiculous until recently. My name is Sarah Millman but my musical satge name is Sarah Sparrow. It all started when I was about four or five. I was always a free spirit and was full of life and wonder. I remember one day when I was about four or five and I was waiting with my Dad at the bus stop in kingswood right next to kingswood station. I cant remember where we were going but I could have been going to my Dad's Tafe campus' childcare where I use to go while my Dad was finishing his high school studies at Tafe. I saw a bus pull in and saw some primary school students, wearing a uniform that consisted of a yellow polo top and dark green shorts, getting on the bus. On the polo top said the logo 'Kingswood Public School'. I asked my Dad 'Is that the school I'm going to go to Daddy?' and he said yes. I had always wanted to go to school as a young child but i didnt get to go as soon as I would have liked to.
I was only 5 when the tested me to see if I was ready to go to school yet. They said I wasnt ready, that I would have to go next year because I was too immature. Go Figure! It had something to do with my learning disability that they couldnt name. Ever since I was born I was a confusion to the rest of the world. I got into a lot of trouble in preschool and in my own opinion, the public school i first went to, confused my enthusiasm for immaturity. Your not meant to be mature at that age. Anyways I got into alot of trouble even when I started school due to being misunderstood.
When I was in kindergarten I put the schools barbie doll in my bag coz I was saving it until someone would tell me whos it was because I kept asking and no-one would tell me. My teacher thought I was trying to steal it. I also got into alot of trouble for putting a coin in my mouth which I still dont understand.
I wasnt very popular with the boys when I was in Primary School. My first crush was on a boy in my class called Ryan Gosling. He was blonde with blue eyes and wore glasses.(I even had a thing for nerds when I was six.....it chose chose to come back when was older and nerds were in) He was not remotely interested. Although I was asked out by twins when I was in kindergarten but I turned them down and got bullied by them for the rest of my years at Kingswood School. All the boys I liked didnt like me and all the guys who liked me I didnt like them. My second crush was on a boy called Owen. He also had blue eyes and blonde hair but he didnt wear glasses and was taller than Adam. Owen didnt like me either although I did try to get him to like me, it never worked. Then there was a brown haired boy whose name I cant remember and his cousin Chris (both at different times) both whom did not like me back. I dont remember anyone else at that school except for a blonde haired boy who had the same name as my family teddy bear, but he was mean to me and seemed to not like me at all.
Then because of my stepmother I had to move schools so I went to Auburn North Public School. The first boy I had a crush on there was Bullent. He was also the first boy to ever like me back, but unfortunately he couldnt go out with me because I was a christian and he was a muslim. But I respected him for that because he resisted going out with me for his beliefs.
Then there was my first teacher crush Mr Reed. Then another boy whos name I cant remember all I know is that I went to School Camp with him and danced with him. There was another girl who liked him and she told everyone I liked him coz she got jealous. I was a bit mischievious and remember going to my dormitory in my towel after having a shower, and saying hi to him in a mischievious way with a mischevious smile on my face. Then there was another guy who i cant remember his name but I remember that both of those boys rejected me and the teacher didnt know I had a crush on him (I think but I could be wrong.
Then at my last school which was called bethesda, now called Tabor...the boys names who rejected me are. Tom, Steven, Seth, Stephen, Andrew, James, another James, a Jon and a Nathan. My second teacher crush was Mr Perkins (a nerdy teacher who wore glasses) and another teacher whose name I wont mention coz It would be embarressing he's married now but I only had a crush on him for a short time.
when I reached 15 was when it all started to change...but the guys didnt like me for me though. First guy I dated was a guy I met at a vasco era concert. His name was Giles, 21, university student studying to become a real estate agent. He thought I was 21 and after a while dumped me coz of my age difference but didnt admit it. He said we were too different and then a year later txted me to see how I was doing. I was confused and soon realised he wanted to be my friend so he could wait till I was 18 and sleep with me. I wised up to that and friend ditched him.(the second kind of dumping) Then there was Daniel who forgot everything stared at everyone like a hawk and almost drove me insane. I couldnt sleep all night because I felt like he was staring at me even when he wasnt there. I tried to kiss him once and he wouldnt let me and on our first date I tried to put my head on his shoulder and he asked me what I thought I was doing which intensely embarressed me. Thank God he forgot we were dating because I probably would have had to go to a mental instituition.
Then there was Brenton who was the only loser I dated for the Longest. He lied to me and neglected me. He never ever kissed me and only ever hugged me which even that he didnt like doing. Then there was the gay guy I asked out in supre, which was immensely embarressing I had to laugh when i walked out the store. Then there was the comedian Trav Nash who was the second guy ever to lead me on. I dont know whats worse being the butt of a joke at school by thinking your meant to be with a year 7 boy called Andrew or looking like a girl who likes to steal boyfriends. Trav was much nicer than Andrew ever,was but the sadest thing was that I heard Travs heartbeat and I cherished that for so long it made it difficult to let go of the love that I had for him.
Trav was my first love despite the age difference we had so much in common. Except he hated himself and I dont. He told me personal things about him which no matter how bad he treated me in the end, I will not reveal it in this book. The story of my love for Trav is so long and painful. I still have bad dreams in which he said nasty things about me to his friend Jarrod. But to be honest no matter the fact that Trav did not love me like I loved him he was the first to treat me like a real gorgeous woman which he did say that I was gorgeous.
To look at it from a good perspective it was an experience and another interesting chapter in the book of my life. Also Trav was the closest I got to dating someone famous so that was pretty good. Trav and I dont talk anymore which I think is partly my fault. I was too in love with Trav to ever be considered just his friend and I think deep down he knew that. I guess it would be difficult to be friends with someone who was too in love with you to let go and eventually I accepted the fact that I ruined my chances of ever being friends with him....luckily it doesnt hurt anymore.
Even though he drives me mad sometimes (in the nicest way possible) my current boyfriend Rowan is the sweetest most descent guy I have ever met. He is considerate and loves me more than his lasers.(my ex was more in love with his playstation than me) Rowan is 'the one' and after a lifetime of rejection he is the exception of it. We do have our silly fights at times but he has never rejected me or neglected me. He loves me unconditionally and I love him unconditionally and someday we will get married. He has broken my lifelong cycle of rejection and heartache and for that I am truely grateful for that. He truely saved me.
chapter one
the misunderstood Rebel and her perculiar dreams
As I said in chapter one I was always misunderstood and still am now. I was ridiculed for being different and labeled as a trouble maker and a freak. Things werent always easy at school but the experiences I had there I wouldnt trade for the world. I didnt like leaving my home in kingswood, western sydney but now Adelaide, South Australia is my home. western sydney will always be special to me because thats where I grew up as a young child and was also where I was born. Adelaide has been my home for eight years now and it's now also in my blood. Like I always say Sydney is my birth home and adelaide is my now home. It's more laidback and it's quicker to get to the city.
Bethesda was where I grew up the hard way. I got depression, survived my stepmother and was the target for people who had a hard day and wanted someone to take it out on. I was a rebel who was clumsey, dorky and well known. It was like I was famous for being infamous. everybody called me by the name Millman, which would be fine if it didnt have the word MAN in it. If people called me Sparrow I would have loved it. They called me (in brackets is where they got the names from) Sez (sex) Sarz (sars) hairy arse ( my name backwards apparently) Sarah Bal Palsy (cerralbalpalsy) and others that I dont remember and probably blacked them out of my memory coz I hate them.
Sometimes things seemed difficult and sometimes things seemed fun. All I know is that my Dad was right when he said that school is some of the best years of your life. Sometimes I felt that I lost a part of my identity leaving school but I also earnt myself some freedom. Freedom doesnt come easily. Its like a dream, everybodies dream. Financial freedom, freedom of loneliness, freedom to do whatever you want and freedom from war. Being a rebel was like sneaking freedom when people unfairly didnt give it to you no matter how much you deserved it. Freedom to me was like a forbidden fruit and still is. I strive for financial freedom, freedom from war and freedom to do whatever I want. I tend to rebel for justice. Justice against unfairness in my close world and the world that I live in. Rebeling against pollution, omnivores, cruelty to animals and all sorts of things. In my last year in school I did an art project on the mistreatment of genders and ended up starting my own gender equality activist group called Stand Up For Gender Equality. It started on myspace and is now on facebook.
I havnt got all the freedom that I want yet but I know I have to work for it. Sometimes I need to find freedom from sensitivity. After alot of heartache from bad relationships that I have been in I have to take extra care that history doesnt repeat itself. People tend to take advantage of the fact that I have a good heart and in the past I have let myself become a doormat but not for a very long time. With my boyfriend Rowan I am very close and I have to be careful because becoming very close to someone can make you very vulnerable. I sometimes have to hold my head up high and hold back the tears...occasionally distract myself. Even though I am very lucky to have found Rowan my past still comes to haunt me. I dont have a wicked past or anything but I have been abused alot in my lifetime and I get nightmares about what happened to me. I have nightmares about my stepmother, stepsister and Trav usually acompanied by his friend jarrod in my nightmares.
Dreams tend to have a huge affect on me. Partly because I have had numerous predicting dreams. Some dreams predict, some dreams show the current truth and some are bizzarre or scary and have a subtle message that I have to figure out....kind of like an unsolved mystery.
Here is a current dream I had on the 5th of July 2008.
I dreamt I was in Allison DuBois' house watching the news and seeing two vicious robbers on the tv. Then I went with Allison DuBois into a messy white room. huddled up scared in a corner hiding behind a white coffee table, was dectective Olivia Benson from law and order scared and looking shocked. It seemed like she had been attacked but she was not harmed. Somehow this dream linked to another one where Dean Winchester from supernatural was hugging me goodbye because he had to go so he could turn into a tiny frog so he could go to hell. I ran on my own, wearing black jeans with tiny pockets and a black t-shirt. Some old man shouted at me saying that they're was a murderer on the loose behind me that Dean once caught and I had to grab the murderers knife and stab this line of bad people. There was no blood and the old man told me to shove the knife in my pocket which was difficult to get it to fit in. Then I ran to the river and kept picking up small frogs that might be Dean. Then somebody handed me a tiny frog that they thought might be Dean. The person who handed me the frog could have been Sam but I didnt see their face. My intuition told me it was Dean and I ran off with Dean the baby frog with bright smiley eyes to catch a train that would take me home.
That is a really recent dream and I'm not quite sure what it means but I'm sure it means something.And on the 6th of July I had many dreams that I could remember...the only problem is that I now dont remember the one I told myself to remember. It was the one about my boyfriend Rowan. although I do remember one dream in precise detail.
I was in a kind of party but I didnt know what for. It was in the city of Adelaide. It seemed to be a council organised party. I was hanging around at it with my Dad and my boyfriend Rowan. It was quite a large room and the majority of the audience were adults, not newly 18 year old adult like me more like 20 to 30 year old adults who, most, looked like uni students. I was taking wide glances around the room checking If I had could notice anyone. Then suddenly I saw Trav Nash. He saw me but even though I was not mad at him anymore or scared I pretended to be scared of him. I took another glance out of curiosity to see if it was actually him and he saw me again so I quickly looked away. I tried to keep a low profile, subtley hiding behind Rowan and Dad. But It was too late...Trav had saw me and he was comming my way. Trav approached me and said hi in a way that was saying 'how dare you not say hi to me' and I reluctantly said hi back in an unenthusiastic way. Then as soon as I replied he disapeared. Then he reapeared saying 'you know thats what I meant' implying an I told you so about me not being right for you in the first place...and that he got the email saying that he was right that he wasnt the answer I was looking for and strode off.
That is a more recent dream that I had putting the fear back in me that I might see him again. Not crossing paths with him again I think is the best and I think he thinks that too. I think thats why he doesnt talk to me anymore. I think he doesnt want to hurt me anymore than he already has and I think he's trying to prevent future pain of mine.
The proof that I know he's not trying to hurt me is that...in recent times when I went on to youtube and checked his profile to see if another girl called sarah was still abusing me through his comment page I saw that all the comments had disappeared. I saw that he had put a ban on his page from recieving anymore comments on his youtube profile. Previous to this Trav complained about the fighting comments between me and this girl and I told Trav that he should just delete the comments if he didnt like him. I could have just never gone into his page and avoided her but i always wanted the last word and I always got it. I think he knew that this girl was causeing me great distress and because he's friends with her he took an alternative action instead and I think he wanted to prevent me from any kind of pain concerning him. He wanted to stop the pain by not contacting me and he wanted to move on and have a new life in melbourne. It's all clear to me now and I'm glad that sarah girl cant hurt me again. I guess this dream was trying to tell me that Trav was only trying to protect me not hurt me. And that trying to protect me did not mean he ever recipricated the feelings i had for him, for me.
I still dont get the tv show one though.
I do remember having quite an explicit dream about someone I know, that I thought was a premonition dream but turned out not to be. I guess it has another meaning.
Being able to interpret my dreams is what I believe to be a great strength of mine. I remember a dream, contemplete it, tell friends and family and ask what they believe it to mean, and sometimes I eventually read a dream dictionary to find out what it means.
Some dreams I have dreams that annoy me because they make no sense to where I am in my life.
I find myself sure of myself and know where my life is at and then I have a dream about being involved with someone else who isnt my boyfriend. I have no intentions in being with someone other than my boyfriend and in the dream I find myself being involved with someone who I am not even remotely attracted to in real life. Its really bizzare and I usually ignore those dreams and concerntrate on the more strange and complicated ones.
Recently I have decided that I want to study forensics at university and get my year 12 high school equelilency certificate. I need to study physics and biology though. But the thing is all my life Ive been told by some people that I will never amount to anything. And teachers have told me that I probably would not do well in year 12, but really who says I have to do year 12 at school anyways. I am planning on getting it at tafe. Tafe doesnt tell you what colours you can have in your hair or that you cant have piercings or tattoos. Tafe doesnt give you a uniform to wear you have the choice to wear whatever you want. I guess you could even rebel against something and not even break the law if you wanted to. This is what I call a rebel-nerds dream. I am a rebel-nerd.
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At School I use to get into trouble for numerous things but that didnt stop me from rebelling. When I turned 16 I got my nose pierced for my birthday. The next day at school they told me to take it out and never wear it to school again. The first day I think I took it out but after that I wore a bandaid on my nose so I could still wear it. My dad payed good money for it and I wasnt about to throw all that money away just because the school thought I gave them a bad name wearing one nose piercing. When I was in year 9 I died my hair purple and I got into trouble for that too. They made me wear a hat in class and I tried to wash it out (because it was the 'come out in 8 washes' kind) but my hair just ended up getting pink. In the end I had to get it proffesionally fixed at a hair dressers. I use to get in to trouble for stupid things at school like wearing odd socks, wearing the wrong shoes, and not using my combination locker (that I couldnt work out and lost the code to). I wasnt always the best student but I did try to be good sometimes. I had trouble completing most of my work in year 7 which got me alot of detentions and started off my depression. That year was an emotional year for me since my stepmother technically abandoned me. Plus the stress of keeping up with all my work when I had a particularly sensitive soul at that time. One reason why I think I ended up being proud, and becoming a rebel was my Mum. My Mum was the queen of rebellion.
Someone once said to me; The past is history, the future a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it is called "the present".
But I sometimes say; disappointment can sometimes be my forte.
But I only say this when I’m really disappointed.
On the 9th of July I had a nightmare.
A friend and I were wondering who was sending her these threatening txt messages. We hadnt any enemies this scary so we were curious as to where this came from. A lot of my friends and a boyfriend I had were mysteriously murdered. My friend Chloe kept changing her appearance as to be someone else. And for a while she was our suspect. My friend (whom was just a character in my dream and I’d never seen her before) got one of her threatening txt messages while Chloe was in the house. All of a sudden she confessed to sending the threatening txt messages and killing my dearest friends and boyfriend.(my boyfriend was just a character in my dream and he was apparently a boyfriend I had when I met Rowan). She said “I killed your boyfriend that You had when You met Rowan and I planed to kill everyone you love until finally I got to kill you!” My dream friend and I got her confession on my friends camera phone and we stumbled to get the correct camera phone with that footage. Then my dream friend and I made a run for it.
Then I woke up scared. And turned my lamp on and tried to go to sleep with the light on because I didn’t want to bother my Dad. This was the first time I dreamt with a terrifying nightmare on my own. I was sleep deprived when I woke up in the morning and I had trouble getting to my job network in time.
Going to job network is not my idea of a fun day but I have to go so I can get money to help out at home and keep alive. My board and lodgings comes out of that money.
On the 10th of July I had a councilling appointment with my dads councellor, Dad, and his girlfriend who is also a friend of mine. I never really liked councellors that worked with you face to face, but I thought Id give them a chance to redeem themselves to me. I used to respect my dads councellor Matt but somehow he secretly didnt respect me and he made that clear on the 10th. I explained how I'm misunderstood by everyone but he seemed to think that I wasnt...So he asked If I was selfish and I said no. Then he had a big grin on his face like he was hiding something from me. I asked him why he was so rudely grinning (not in those words though) and he said by me saying Im not selfish showed him how selfish I really was. If I hadnt been so in control in front of spectators like judgemental councellors like matt, I would have punched him in the face. But I kept calm, because I know better than to show my emotions in front of a councellor. At the end of the session I didnt give him the satisfaction of being angry so I shook his hand when he requested. I think he saw I was upset anyways and it made him satisfied, but getting angry or crying would have added to his satisfaction.
I refuse to believe that people like that are really going to try and help you. I dont have a problem with councellors that work on phones, that never see you, because their policy is not to judge. It was very unproffessional for Matt to openly judge me and I refuse to believe that someone who watches you cry whilst being handed $1000 under the table, is actually genuine and sincere. Even when my Dad does get a new councellor I'm not going to book in appointments with him. I refuse to take advice from people who's job description is best described as malicious and devious.
Introduction
I always thought of myself as a big kid....half kid half teenager but with more wisdom and maturity. I use to daydream at school that my life was like a movie or a book but quickly stopped because I thought it was ridiculous until recently. My name is Sarah Millman but my musical satge name is Sarah Sparrow. It all started when I was about four or five. I was always a free spirit and was full of life and wonder. I remember one day when I was about four or five and I was waiting with my Dad at the bus stop in kingswood right next to kingswood station. I cant remember where we were going but I could have been going to my Dad's Tafe campus' childcare where I use to go while my Dad was finishing his high school studies at Tafe. I saw a bus pull in and saw some primary school students, wearing a uniform that consisted of a yellow polo top and dark green shorts, getting on the bus. On the polo top said the logo 'Kingswood Public School'. I asked my Dad 'Is that the school I'm going to go to Daddy?' and he said yes. I had always wanted to go to school as a young child but i didnt get to go as soon as I would have liked to.
I was only 5 when the tested me to see if I was ready to go to school yet. They said I wasnt ready, that I would have to go next year because I was too immature. Go Figure! It had something to do with my learning disability that they couldnt name. Ever since I was born I was a confusion to the rest of the world. I got into a lot of trouble in preschool and in my own opinion, the public school i first went to, confused my enthusiasm for immaturity. Your not meant to be mature at that age. Anyways I got into alot of trouble even when I started school due to being misunderstood.
When I was in kindergarten I put the schools barbie doll in my bag coz I was saving it until someone would tell me whos it was because I kept asking and no-one would tell me. My teacher thought I was trying to steal it. I also got into alot of trouble for putting a coin in my mouth which I still dont understand.
I wasnt very popular with the boys when I was in Primary School. My first crush was on a boy in my class called Ryan Gosling. He was blonde with blue eyes and wore glasses.(I even had a thing for nerds when I was six.....it chose chose to come back when was older and nerds were in) He was not remotely interested. Although I was asked out by twins when I was in kindergarten but I turned them down and got bullied by them for the rest of my years at Kingswood School. All the boys I liked didnt like me and all the guys who liked me I didnt like them. My second crush was on a boy called Owen. He also had blue eyes and blonde hair but he didnt wear glasses and was taller than Adam. Owen didnt like me either although I did try to get him to like me, it never worked. Then there was a brown haired boy whose name I cant remember and his cousin Chris (both at different times) both whom did not like me back. I dont remember anyone else at that school except for a blonde haired boy who had the same name as my family teddy bear, but he was mean to me and seemed to not like me at all.
Then because of my stepmother I had to move schools so I went to Auburn North Public School. The first boy I had a crush on there was Bullent. He was also the first boy to ever like me back, but unfortunately he couldnt go out with me because I was a christian and he was a muslim. But I respected him for that because he resisted going out with me for his beliefs.
Then there was my first teacher crush Mr Reed. Then another boy whos name I cant remember all I know is that I went to School Camp with him and danced with him. There was another girl who liked him and she told everyone I liked him coz she got jealous. I was a bit mischievious and remember going to my dormitory in my towel after having a shower, and saying hi to him in a mischievious way with a mischevious smile on my face. Then there was another guy who i cant remember his name but I remember that both of those boys rejected me and the teacher didnt know I had a crush on him (I think but I could be wrong.
Then at my last school which was called bethesda, now called Tabor...the boys names who rejected me are. Tom, Steven, Seth, Stephen, Andrew, James, another James, a Jon and a Nathan. My second teacher crush was Mr Perkins (a nerdy teacher who wore glasses) and another teacher whose name I wont mention coz It would be embarressing he's married now but I only had a crush on him for a short time.
when I reached 15 was when it all started to change...but the guys didnt like me for me though. First guy I dated was a guy I met at a vasco era concert. His name was Giles, 21, university student studying to become a real estate agent. He thought I was 21 and after a while dumped me coz of my age difference but didnt admit it. He said we were too different and then a year later txted me to see how I was doing. I was confused and soon realised he wanted to be my friend so he could wait till I was 18 and sleep with me. I wised up to that and friend ditched him.(the second kind of dumping) Then there was Daniel who forgot everything stared at everyone like a hawk and almost drove me insane. I couldnt sleep all night because I felt like he was staring at me even when he wasnt there. I tried to kiss him once and he wouldnt let me and on our first date I tried to put my head on his shoulder and he asked me what I thought I was doing which intensely embarressed me. Thank God he forgot we were dating because I probably would have had to go to a mental instituition.
Then there was Brenton who was the only loser I dated for the Longest. He lied to me and neglected me. He never ever kissed me and only ever hugged me which even that he didnt like doing. Then there was the gay guy I asked out in supre, which was immensely embarressing I had to laugh when i walked out the store. Then there was the comedian Trav Nash who was the second guy ever to lead me on. I dont know whats worse being the butt of a joke at school by thinking your meant to be with a year 7 boy called Andrew or looking like a girl who likes to steal boyfriends. Trav was much nicer than Andrew ever,was but the sadest thing was that I heard Travs heartbeat and I cherished that for so long it made it difficult to let go of the love that I had for him.
Trav was my first love despite the age difference we had so much in common. Except he hated himself and I dont. He told me personal things about him which no matter how bad he treated me in the end, I will not reveal it in this book. The story of my love for Trav is so long and painful. I still have bad dreams in which he said nasty things about me to his friend Jarrod. But to be honest no matter the fact that Trav did not love me like I loved him he was the first to treat me like a real gorgeous woman which he did say that I was gorgeous.
To look at it from a good perspective it was an experience and another interesting chapter in the book of my life. Also Trav was the closest I got to dating someone famous so that was pretty good. Trav and I dont talk anymore which I think is partly my fault. I was too in love with Trav to ever be considered just his friend and I think deep down he knew that. I guess it would be difficult to be friends with someone who was too in love with you to let go and eventually I accepted the fact that I ruined my chances of ever being friends with him....luckily it doesnt hurt anymore.
Even though he drives me mad sometimes (in the nicest way possible) my current boyfriend Rowan is the sweetest most descent guy I have ever met. He is considerate and loves me more than his lasers.(my ex was more in love with his playstation than me) Rowan is 'the one' and after a lifetime of rejection he is the exception of it. We do have our silly fights at times but he has never rejected me or neglected me. He loves me unconditionally and I love him unconditionally and someday we will get married. He has broken my lifelong cycle of rejection and heartache and for that I am truely grateful for that. He truely saved me.
chapter one
the misunderstood Rebel and her perculiar dreams
As I said in chapter one I was always misunderstood and still am now. I was ridiculed for being different and labeled as a trouble maker and a freak. Things werent always easy at school but the experiences I had there I wouldnt trade for the world. I didnt like leaving my home in kingswood, western sydney but now Adelaide, South Australia is my home. western sydney will always be special to me because thats where I grew up as a young child and was also where I was born. Adelaide has been my home for eight years now and it's now also in my blood. Like I always say Sydney is my birth home and adelaide is my now home. It's more laidback and it's quicker to get to the city.
Bethesda was where I grew up the hard way. I got depression, survived my stepmother and was the target for people who had a hard day and wanted someone to take it out on. I was a rebel who was clumsey, dorky and well known. It was like I was famous for being infamous. everybody called me by the name Millman, which would be fine if it didnt have the word MAN in it. If people called me Sparrow I would have loved it. They called me (in brackets is where they got the names from) Sez (sex) Sarz (sars) hairy arse ( my name backwards apparently) Sarah Bal Palsy (cerralbalpalsy) and others that I dont remember and probably blacked them out of my memory coz I hate them.
Sometimes things seemed difficult and sometimes things seemed fun. All I know is that my Dad was right when he said that school is some of the best years of your life. Sometimes I felt that I lost a part of my identity leaving school but I also earnt myself some freedom. Freedom doesnt come easily. Its like a dream, everybodies dream. Financial freedom, freedom of loneliness, freedom to do whatever you want and freedom from war. Being a rebel was like sneaking freedom when people unfairly didnt give it to you no matter how much you deserved it. Freedom to me was like a forbidden fruit and still is. I strive for financial freedom, freedom from war and freedom to do whatever I want. I tend to rebel for justice. Justice against unfairness in my close world and the world that I live in. Rebeling against pollution, omnivores, cruelty to animals and all sorts of things. In my last year in school I did an art project on the mistreatment of genders and ended up starting my own gender equality activist group called Stand Up For Gender Equality. It started on myspace and is now on facebook.
I havnt got all the freedom that I want yet but I know I have to work for it. Sometimes I need to find freedom from sensitivity. After alot of heartache from bad relationships that I have been in I have to take extra care that history doesnt repeat itself. People tend to take advantage of the fact that I have a good heart and in the past I have let myself become a doormat but not for a very long time. With my boyfriend Rowan I am very close and I have to be careful because becoming very close to someone can make you very vulnerable. I sometimes have to hold my head up high and hold back the tears...occasionally distract myself. Even though I am very lucky to have found Rowan my past still comes to haunt me. I dont have a wicked past or anything but I have been abused alot in my lifetime and I get nightmares about what happened to me. I have nightmares about my stepmother, stepsister and Trav usually acompanied by his friend jarrod in my nightmares.
Dreams tend to have a huge affect on me. Partly because I have had numerous predicting dreams. Some dreams predict, some dreams show the current truth and some are bizzarre or scary and have a subtle message that I have to figure out....kind of like an unsolved mystery.
Here is a current dream I had on the 5th of July 2008.
I dreamt I was in Allison DuBois' house watching the news and seeing two vicious robbers on the tv. Then I went with Allison DuBois into a messy white room. huddled up scared in a corner hiding behind a white coffee table, was dectective Olivia Benson from law and order scared and looking shocked. It seemed like she had been attacked but she was not harmed. Somehow this dream linked to another one where Dean Winchester from supernatural was hugging me goodbye because he had to go so he could turn into a tiny frog so he could go to hell. I ran on my own, wearing black jeans with tiny pockets and a black t-shirt. Some old man shouted at me saying that they're was a murderer on the loose behind me that Dean once caught and I had to grab the murderers knife and stab this line of bad people. There was no blood and the old man told me to shove the knife in my pocket which was difficult to get it to fit in. Then I ran to the river and kept picking up small frogs that might be Dean. Then somebody handed me a tiny frog that they thought might be Dean. The person who handed me the frog could have been Sam but I didnt see their face. My intuition told me it was Dean and I ran off with Dean the baby frog with bright smiley eyes to catch a train that would take me home.
That is a really recent dream and I'm not quite sure what it means but I'm sure it means something.And on the 6th of July I had many dreams that I could remember...the only problem is that I now dont remember the one I told myself to remember. It was the one about my boyfriend Rowan. although I do remember one dream in precise detail.
I was in a kind of party but I didnt know what for. It was in the city of Adelaide. It seemed to be a council organised party. I was hanging around at it with my Dad and my boyfriend Rowan. It was quite a large room and the majority of the audience were adults, not newly 18 year old adult like me more like 20 to 30 year old adults who, most, looked like uni students. I was taking wide glances around the room checking If I had could notice anyone. Then suddenly I saw Trav Nash. He saw me but even though I was not mad at him anymore or scared I pretended to be scared of him. I took another glance out of curiosity to see if it was actually him and he saw me again so I quickly looked away. I tried to keep a low profile, subtley hiding behind Rowan and Dad. But It was too late...Trav had saw me and he was comming my way. Trav approached me and said hi in a way that was saying 'how dare you not say hi to me' and I reluctantly said hi back in an unenthusiastic way. Then as soon as I replied he disapeared. Then he reapeared saying 'you know thats what I meant' implying an I told you so about me not being right for you in the first place...and that he got the email saying that he was right that he wasnt the answer I was looking for and strode off.
That is a more recent dream that I had putting the fear back in me that I might see him again. Not crossing paths with him again I think is the best and I think he thinks that too. I think thats why he doesnt talk to me anymore. I think he doesnt want to hurt me anymore than he already has and I think he's trying to prevent future pain of mine.
The proof that I know he's not trying to hurt me is that...in recent times when I went on to youtube and checked his profile to see if another girl called sarah was still abusing me through his comment page I saw that all the comments had disappeared. I saw that he had put a ban on his page from recieving anymore comments on his youtube profile. Previous to this Trav complained about the fighting comments between me and this girl and I told Trav that he should just delete the comments if he didnt like him. I could have just never gone into his page and avoided her but i always wanted the last word and I always got it. I think he knew that this girl was causeing me great distress and because he's friends with her he took an alternative action instead and I think he wanted to prevent me from any kind of pain concerning him. He wanted to stop the pain by not contacting me and he wanted to move on and have a new life in melbourne. It's all clear to me now and I'm glad that sarah girl cant hurt me again. I guess this dream was trying to tell me that Trav was only trying to protect me not hurt me. And that trying to protect me did not mean he ever recipricated the feelings i had for him, for me.
I still dont get the tv show one though.
I do remember having quite an explicit dream about someone I know, that I thought was a premonition dream but turned out not to be. I guess it has another meaning.
Being able to interpret my dreams is what I believe to be a great strength of mine. I remember a dream, contemplete it, tell friends and family and ask what they believe it to mean, and sometimes I eventually read a dream dictionary to find out what it means.
Some dreams I have dreams that annoy me because they make no sense to where I am in my life.
I find myself sure of myself and know where my life is at and then I have a dream about being involved with someone else who isnt my boyfriend. I have no intentions in being with someone other than my boyfriend and in the dream I find myself being involved with someone who I am not even remotely attracted to in real life. Its really bizzare and I usually ignore those dreams and concerntrate on the more strange and complicated ones.
Recently I have decided that I want to study forensics at university and get my year 12 high school equelilency certificate. I need to study physics and biology though. But the thing is all my life Ive been told by some people that I will never amount to anything. And teachers have told me that I probably would not do well in year 12, but really who says I have to do year 12 at school anyways. I am planning on getting it at tafe. Tafe doesnt tell you what colours you can have in your hair or that you cant have piercings or tattoos. Tafe doesnt give you a uniform to wear you have the choice to wear whatever you want. I guess you could even rebel against something and not even break the law if you wanted to. This is what I call a rebel-nerds dream. I am a rebel-nerd.
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At School I use to get into trouble for numerous things but that didnt stop me from rebelling. When I turned 16 I got my nose pierced for my birthday. The next day at school they told me to take it out and never wear it to school again. The first day I think I took it out but after that I wore a bandaid on my nose so I could still wear it. My dad payed good money for it and I wasnt about to throw all that money away just because the school thought I gave them a bad name wearing one nose piercing. When I was in year 9 I died my hair purple and I got into trouble for that too. They made me wear a hat in class and I tried to wash it out (because it was the 'come out in 8 washes' kind) but my hair just ended up getting pink. In the end I had to get it proffesionally fixed at a hair dressers. I use to get in to trouble for stupid things at school like wearing odd socks, wearing the wrong shoes, and not using my combination locker (that I couldnt work out and lost the code to). I wasnt always the best student but I did try to be good sometimes. I had trouble completing most of my work in year 7 which got me alot of detentions and started off my depression. That year was an emotional year for me since my stepmother technically abandoned me. Plus the stress of keeping up with all my work when I had a particularly sensitive soul at that time. One reason why I think I ended up being proud, and becoming a rebel was my Mum. My Mum was the queen of rebellion.
Someone once said to me; The past is history, the future a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it is called "the present".
But I sometimes say; disappointment can sometimes be my forte.
But I only say this when I’m really disappointed.
On the 9th of July I had a nightmare.
A friend and I were wondering who was sending her these threatening txt messages. We hadnt any enemies this scary so we were curious as to where this came from. A lot of my friends and a boyfriend I had were mysteriously murdered. My friend Chloe kept changing her appearance as to be someone else. And for a while she was our suspect. My friend (whom was just a character in my dream and I’d never seen her before) got one of her threatening txt messages while Chloe was in the house. All of a sudden she confessed to sending the threatening txt messages and killing my dearest friends and boyfriend.(my boyfriend was just a character in my dream and he was apparently a boyfriend I had when I met Rowan). She said “I killed your boyfriend that You had when You met Rowan and I planed to kill everyone you love until finally I got to kill you!” My dream friend and I got her confession on my friends camera phone and we stumbled to get the correct camera phone with that footage. Then my dream friend and I made a run for it.
Then I woke up scared. And turned my lamp on and tried to go to sleep with the light on because I didn’t want to bother my Dad. This was the first time I dreamt with a terrifying nightmare on my own. I was sleep deprived when I woke up in the morning and I had trouble getting to my job network in time.
Going to job network is not my idea of a fun day but I have to go so I can get money to help out at home and keep alive. My board and lodgings comes out of that money.
On the 10th of July I had a councilling appointment with my dads councellor, Dad, and his girlfriend who is also a friend of mine. I never really liked councellors that worked with you face to face, but I thought Id give them a chance to redeem themselves to me. I used to respect my dads councellor Matt but somehow he secretly didnt respect me and he made that clear on the 10th. I explained how I'm misunderstood by everyone but he seemed to think that I wasnt...So he asked If I was selfish and I said no. Then he had a big grin on his face like he was hiding something from me. I asked him why he was so rudely grinning (not in those words though) and he said by me saying Im not selfish showed him how selfish I really was. If I hadnt been so in control in front of spectators like judgemental councellors like matt, I would have punched him in the face. But I kept calm, because I know better than to show my emotions in front of a councellor. At the end of the session I didnt give him the satisfaction of being angry so I shook his hand when he requested. I think he saw I was upset anyways and it made him satisfied, but getting angry or crying would have added to his satisfaction.
I refuse to believe that people like that are really going to try and help you. I dont have a problem with councellors that work on phones, that never see you, because their policy is not to judge. It was very unproffessional for Matt to openly judge me and I refuse to believe that someone who watches you cry whilst being handed $1000 under the table, is actually genuine and sincere. Even when my Dad does get a new councellor I'm not going to book in appointments with him. I refuse to take advice from people who's job description is best described as malicious and devious.
a poem I wrote
the hurt in my soul starts to float awaywhenever you are at baynonetheless i try to forget my past troubles and try to grow from thembut the pain still lingers on so i think of you and then i smileit starts to bother me how sentimental i will becomebecause all that matters is that your my only oneand i remember your loving words with every milei try to remember all that ive been taughtand i realise your love gives me extra strengthi try to brighten up what i thoughtand i feel like your love gives my life extra lengthi cant stop writing now coz you inspire me to write and you inspire my souland you fill up that place in my heart where there use to be a holemy tears are washed away by your voiceand you help me make a right choice
I am the sez
here is a nice story about me
the sky then only he would have the key to her heart and there would be no security guard. Ronan would protect her heart.
One day a small hiccup happened. after a few times seeing Ronan, Ronan got carried away. For once Sandra had her eyes wide open. She would not get carried away again unless it was meant to be. Ronan and Sandra were kissing. But Sandra thought she may have given Ronan the wrong message. Because she kissed his neck. Ronan was gentle though and Sandra took that into consideration. Ronan's hand slowly drifted to Sandras left breast. Despite how much she loved it she knew that she had to be careful, therefore it had to end. She didnt want to reject Ronans intense affection completely so she moved his hand slowly back to her back.
Embarresed they ended up talking about it and Ronan felt guilty. She didnt want him to feel guilty though she just wanted to know if his intentions were pure and not completely focused on sex. Ronan didnt just want to have sex with her..........this wasnt just casual dating this was love and from that moment on Sandra knew. She just didnt know when the right time to say I love you was. but even though what ronan did at the time was not right at that time she did not want ronan to feel guilty.
Sandra modestly did know she was beautiful, but the way most people in society interpreted that as was sexy. when most guys looked at her they thought " mmmm sexy piece of arse at ten o clock....I'd tap that!" they didnt have to say it but as far as Sandra was concerned actions were louder than words.
when Sandra was just 13 a 14 year old boy looked at her and licked his lips. He truely wanted to delight in the pain of her hymen breaking while he could get one more notch on his bedpost. Sandra was not completely aware of this kind of attention and she did not know how to react. this boy sexually assualted her. felt her up under her clothes and insisted on her playing with parts of him that her young mind went "eeeewww gross!" at because she was not ready to have sex and when he made it clear to her that he did not love her she wished she were someplace else. she felt dirty and disgusting....it wasnt till she was older till she really realised what had happened. She knew that she was Ronans girlfriend and she knew that he really did care about her, he was just as afraid as the L word as she was.
One day sandra had to go for a small trip to sydney because her great grandma was dying. she called her big nan. Ronan went with sandra to the airport and when no-one else turned up to say their goodbyes, Ronan stayed with sandra. No boyfriend that Sandra had before ever stood by her like that when no-one else could make it. that day Sandra knew that nothing would tear her and ronan apart.Ronan was also the first to see her when she returned and Ronan was the first to let her know that she was very missed. Sandra never felt so loved in her life. She knew for sure that if she ever lost ronan she would die inside and she would be crying for years........she would never stop loving ronan and she knew he would never stop loving her.
Sandra had a weird sense of humour. she put up a group on facebook called big dongers lolololololololx1000 and she was afraid that that would upset ronan. but it didnt coz he got her sense of humour and he understood her better than people who had known her all her life.
when she watched medium it reminded he of her and ronan because they are a strong married couple on medium. and even the strongest of hardships still havnt torn them apart. Ronan said to Sandra often that she was everything to him. one episode of medium joe dubois said to alison dubois that he wouldnt let anything happen between his workmate and him because alison dubois meant everything to him. this made sandra cry with joy because it reminded her of Ronan and how much he loved her. She knew that she could count on the dubois' to be her role model couple that will always love each other and never break up and that nothing will ever come between them. She knew then that nothing will ever come between Ronan and her.
the sky then only he would have the key to her heart and there would be no security guard. Ronan would protect her heart.
One day a small hiccup happened. after a few times seeing Ronan, Ronan got carried away. For once Sandra had her eyes wide open. She would not get carried away again unless it was meant to be. Ronan and Sandra were kissing. But Sandra thought she may have given Ronan the wrong message. Because she kissed his neck. Ronan was gentle though and Sandra took that into consideration. Ronan's hand slowly drifted to Sandras left breast. Despite how much she loved it she knew that she had to be careful, therefore it had to end. She didnt want to reject Ronans intense affection completely so she moved his hand slowly back to her back.
Embarresed they ended up talking about it and Ronan felt guilty. She didnt want him to feel guilty though she just wanted to know if his intentions were pure and not completely focused on sex. Ronan didnt just want to have sex with her..........this wasnt just casual dating this was love and from that moment on Sandra knew. She just didnt know when the right time to say I love you was. but even though what ronan did at the time was not right at that time she did not want ronan to feel guilty.
Sandra modestly did know she was beautiful, but the way most people in society interpreted that as was sexy. when most guys looked at her they thought " mmmm sexy piece of arse at ten o clock....I'd tap that!" they didnt have to say it but as far as Sandra was concerned actions were louder than words.
when Sandra was just 13 a 14 year old boy looked at her and licked his lips. He truely wanted to delight in the pain of her hymen breaking while he could get one more notch on his bedpost. Sandra was not completely aware of this kind of attention and she did not know how to react. this boy sexually assualted her. felt her up under her clothes and insisted on her playing with parts of him that her young mind went "eeeewww gross!" at because she was not ready to have sex and when he made it clear to her that he did not love her she wished she were someplace else. she felt dirty and disgusting....it wasnt till she was older till she really realised what had happened. She knew that she was Ronans girlfriend and she knew that he really did care about her, he was just as afraid as the L word as she was.
One day sandra had to go for a small trip to sydney because her great grandma was dying. she called her big nan. Ronan went with sandra to the airport and when no-one else turned up to say their goodbyes, Ronan stayed with sandra. No boyfriend that Sandra had before ever stood by her like that when no-one else could make it. that day Sandra knew that nothing would tear her and ronan apart.Ronan was also the first to see her when she returned and Ronan was the first to let her know that she was very missed. Sandra never felt so loved in her life. She knew for sure that if she ever lost ronan she would die inside and she would be crying for years........she would never stop loving ronan and she knew he would never stop loving her.
Sandra had a weird sense of humour. she put up a group on facebook called big dongers lolololololololx1000 and she was afraid that that would upset ronan. but it didnt coz he got her sense of humour and he understood her better than people who had known her all her life.
when she watched medium it reminded he of her and ronan because they are a strong married couple on medium. and even the strongest of hardships still havnt torn them apart. Ronan said to Sandra often that she was everything to him. one episode of medium joe dubois said to alison dubois that he wouldnt let anything happen between his workmate and him because alison dubois meant everything to him. this made sandra cry with joy because it reminded her of Ronan and how much he loved her. She knew that she could count on the dubois' to be her role model couple that will always love each other and never break up and that nothing will ever come between them. She knew then that nothing will ever come between Ronan and her.
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